Confessions of a mummy judger

dorito-babyThis is modern morality tale on the perils of judging. It’s not for the faint hearted. So if you are pregnant and reading this, prepare to be shocked. If you already have a child, feel free to snigger. Because I have something to confess “ I was a mother judger. Oh yes! Before I had a baby, I used to stare in disgust as parents turned a blind eye while their children wiped their greasy hands down shop mirrors. Id sigh wearily if stuck behind a screaming baby at the check out. Whey couldnt that mother control her child? I would even move seats in trains, planes or restaurants if I was too close to a pesky pre-schooler. Shouldnt they be in bed by now? Id never let my offspring offend. Oh no!

Out of control parents

I had some pretty strong views on parenting, let me tell you. I would never use a dummy when I had a child, never let my child eat in the back of the car, run around covered in snot and food, or behave badly in public at any time. I mean, I knew no kid could be perfect and that being a mum was a challenge but there were certain things I just wouldnt allow. Secretly, I was sure that most tantrums were because the parents werent in control.

Smug posterior

Luckily, just before I disappeared up my own smug posterior, I went into labour and discovered the hideous truth. Which is, that motherhood exists for the sole purpose of making you eat your words. Since swelling the ranks of motherhood, I have now become one of these mums I used to despise.I have allowed my son to pick apples from the fruit section and munch them on the way round the supermarket. I have ripped open packaging to get to teething rusks in a desperate attempt to get him to be quiet for just a few more aisles. I have even stooped to buying him off with lollies at long check-out queues. Me, the same person who argued for confectionary free counters! The shame of it.

Straight to hell

But theres worse. I have knowingly allowed him to suck pristine, soft toys from the childrens section of a department store just so I could choose a swimsuit in peace. And then, I can hardly admit it, I returned the soggy teddy to the shelf, hiding at the back so the shop assistant couldnt see. I have disguised packet food as home-made in order to impress my sons child-minder and in desperation (yes I am going straight to hell), Ive liquidized fast food takeaway when we ran out of baby food.

The lowest point

Think this couldnt happen to you? Well theres more. Those dummies I would never use “ I couldnt have done without them. I have even been known to pick them off the ground, lick them and pop them back into my sons mouth. I have wrapped my childs bottom in a plastic carrier bag because I forgot a nappy on a Sunday outing miles from the nearest shop. I have force-fed him chocolate to keep him quiet while he got his first haircut. I have switched on the TV to keep him entertained when I just couldnt think of one more game to play on a rainy afternoon. Ive allowed him to reel off all the toilet paper jus to get another five minutes peace in the shower and I have hidden under the covers at four in the morning, hoping against hope that this feed might be forgotton.

Happy hypocrite

The pure hypocrisy “ could I sink any lower. Well actually, yes. See that child driving past, tied to the back seat with a pair of tights because his mother has forgotten the car seat? He belongs to me. And the child you saw today throwing hysterics by the freezers of your local supermarket, hes mine. That woman breastfeeding in public, offending everyone and throwing her boobs and caution to the wind is me too. And next week I will probably bore you senseless at a dinner party talking proudly about my children.

I know what you are thinking: I would never do that. Feel free to judge, I did it too. But one day, sooner than you think, you could find yourself secretly smearing a dummy with strawberry jam.

Have you judged another only to find yourself doing exactly the same thing? Let us know!

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One Response to “Confessions of a mummy judger”

  1. Deidre says:

    I have 3 children now and am not only eating my mummy judging words but some I hadn’t thought of.